At my level as a fitness model you assume I’m ‘perfect’. In my pictures it might seem like I have no flaws. That’s because I’m a professional. And I know how to highlight my strengths and hide my flaws. Personally I do have a perverted need to flaunt what I sense are my achilles tendons…. I assume it’s my way of dealing with it and accepting it. By putting it out there on display and have it criticized by others I desensitize myself to it.
Yesterday I was shooting an ad campaign. The other model was Ava Cowan who sports one of the best physiques in the world. She’s in the top top of competitive fitness figure. Ava has what I always wanted: amazing abs. When I looked at her my own body felt like a sausage. I didn’t even want to look in the mirror. Again it hit me that I don’t look like those girls on stage. That feeling of not belonging to any category was brought up again.
I couldn’t help what started in my mind. I started to hunt for ‘what’s wrong’ with my body. I felt like a fake and wanted to announce to the world “Ok, check this out, you see how much better looking she is???? Look at her ABS! Have you EVER seen my abs that deep???? Look at her tiny waist! Now, stop thinking so highly of me, I’m nothing!”.
In this field of hunting for perfection, I’m like the least perfect of them all. Hey you don’t even see me in a bikini. You don’t know what I look like for real! Yes, my pictures show one part of me…. Even in bad lightning at a stupid restroom I can pull it off…. But I still feel like I’m selling you an illusion. I know how to pose, how to suck it in. You don’t see how hard I work it. My muscles flex and they look big and pumped, but check out the behind the scenes and I look like a wimp with skinny fat arms. I’m not kidding you.
I have a hard time accepting my body is not perfect at times when I’m around the most perfect bodies in the world. I am embarrassed of even being in the crowd hanging with them. Why do I have to do what all other women have to do: dress according to my body and not just whatever I like to wear? Yes, I know it’s just fair cause none of us ARE perfect of course….
I am anything but shallow. You might see me as a fitness model only, but I am a writer. I don’t write with my body. I feel my body is what catches your attention so you listen to my mind.
Do I accept that I’m not perfect? Yes! I do it daily! My life is not about trying to get and hold on to what is perfect physically. It all starts with the right set of mind. A perfect body is just the starting point to something great. When it fades, and it will, if there was not more under the surface, the void would be unbearable.
I never put too much emphasize on my body. I know it sounds outrageous. The mind is what I was focused on. I trained it, disciplined it, conditioned it… And with that came the physique. But perfection? Not me. Not ever. It’s what I want you to remember about me.