Training for that perfect body and dieting for a show is walking a fine line between being as strict as is needed to get ultra lean and starvation. When you focus on losing all your subcutaneous fat that hides the muscles’ shape, one day you realize you got too far. It gets out of your hands. And suddenly you are a truly starving yourself and even though you KNOW that will not get you the physique you want to, it is a psychological battle and hundreds of mind games are awaiting you. Suddenly you need to focus on gaining weight, both muscle AND fat… You need to overeat… And stay sane when the pounds come back with revenge. How do you do that? It takes a lot of strength!!! And courage!!! and willpower! That is why I would like you to follow this young woman’s journey who dieteted for a show, it got overboard and now she is coming back to become the next future Miss Figure Olympia. I will help her, support her and do all I can to get her on track and report the changes here.

Here is Azzahra before she started to diet for her show:

And backstage…. where it shows what can happen if nobody stops you in time and helps you get on track again…

Now Azzahra is working with ME. I am taking her under my wings and I hope all this will be a great comeback!!! Azzahra will post pics and diary here so you can follow her on the way back. Pressure, yes, but it is needed to get back!!!

Azzahra sent me this introduction so you can get to know her a little better:

First and foremost, before I start writing this journey, I would like to thank Pauline for her support these past few weeks and her consideration for opening her heart to me. Thank you so much Pauline. The diary itself shows your compassion towards your client. My family, who has always been with me. Provide me the much help I required.
Hi everyone. My name is Azzahra. I’m 20 years old, 5’1 ½ and currently weighing 39.9kg and from Malaysia.
Before I start detailing my overboard pre contest preparation, I would take you to a little boring journey to where it all begun.
Being active, fit and healthy was part of the game. I didn’t even thought of starvation hence knowing the existent of the disease. Sports were my life. The first sport I took when I was the age of 8 was rhythmic  gymnastics. I did it for 6 years.  The discipline it holds. My couch was from Romania, I remember how all of us used to be scared of her. It wasn’t easy to be able to train with her. We were all divided into levels and group. The girls who hold the highest level as well as the one who they see that have the potential to succeed to compete up to international level was privilege to have trained with her. I wasn’t even in 4th level and I was one of the choose girls. Training was day in and day out. In the morning we would go to school up until 1 pm. After school we would just cross the road to the gymnasium, changed clothes and straight to training until 6pm. Sometimes if she is not in a good mood or we just don’t perform, we were forced to stay longer. I would go home feeling tired but homework have to be completed. So that was my childhood days -  morning and night. We would trained 6 days a week and only have a day rest. Here is a point I am trying to make, rhythmic gymnastics requires a certain weight. You have to be light, small and petite. I was entire of that but to her eyes I wasn’t. She kept on emphasizing how fat we were!
6 years later, I couldn’t take how it took hold on my life, I left the sport.
Other than gymnastic, I participated in field hockey thought out my high school years and as well as cheerleading. Outside from school, I did a bit of ice skating as well as horseback riding (ice skating was a hobby for me – I took up classes and practice every day, but never thought of competing. Horseback riding was a part of my sister sport. I joined in and turned up to enjoy the sport.
Right after I finished my middle high school years,I moved to the United Kingdom for an open opportunity. This is where it begun..
The freedom I had while I was in the UK was everything a local Malaysians student would want. If you familiar about Malaysian culture, you would know why.  In the UK I was the typical college girl. Class, home, straight to the pub. The pub is the jargon for bars in the UK. I don’t drink, I never have touched that stuffed but all of my college friends did. We would sit, talk, and watch football. I know what you think about being sober and drinking non-alcoholic drinks while in a pub? But the fun part of being sober is to watch hammered drunk people. Mind you drinking is number one in the UK. Sometimes I just won’t come home at all. I’ll be out until morning. Once I’m home, I would be so hungry and dig in to anything I see in the kitchen – mostly a typical Malaysia home cooked meal, rich in oil and starchy as well . Right after I would go to bed, it was just too late to do anything and I was tired. So there it was – pubs, clubs and gigs. Not eating the whole day, eat at night and straight to bed. The weight begun to piled up. This is the part where I started going to the “gym”. Could you see why I emphasizing on gym rather than free weight lifting, well I did all the machine movement, circuit movement and cardio nonstop. I was constantly ongoing and was way less than the first picture posted here. My goals changed when I saw a lady training with free weights. And wow I was stroked by her performance, the muscle pumping, her veins, and strength. Moreover her focused and determination while training. Without delay I asked all the trainers in the gym, bought entire stack of muscle magazine. I did everything myself at first, the diet and also the training. I had the typical diet.  As for training I did what I felt like doing, mostly something attracted me out from the magazine – I did not know enough at this point and I just want the result. I did cardio before and after as well – 45 to an hour.
3 months passed. I decided to look up for a pro help. I went to see an IFBB pro, she designed me my diet and a training split routine. She told me mostly what an amateur should know. The RULE of BB. DIET, TRAINING, REST. PATIENC as well as CONSISTENCY. I followed her programme religiously. Weighing food was exact, no more or less. My food was clean. I ate on time. I never missed training and cardio.
I had to change my gym of course. The only gym there was available was the bodybuilding and power lifting gym – with huge tires, stones, emptied gas cylinder and so on.  It was brutal. Everything was rusty and dusty. I was the only small, petite girl. The guys train hardcore. At this point I wasn’t so much exposed to this culture.
A year later went by. I met a female NABBA competitor. We trained together, talked a lot about BB lifestyle and also competing. Let alone she was about to start her diet for her upcoming event.  And that got me started to have it a go. And so the two pictures posted below were the result of a 16 weeks of dieting, long hours of cardio, starvation and denial of having a problem!
The day of the competition, before we were getting ready to step on stage I have realized that I had gone too far thus lost everything that I have built. I saw the very difference in size and muscle wise between me and this competitor who much have the potential to step on the Olympia stage. Once I had the2 black piece suit on. I was told by the entire fellow competitors to eat and get well. I did not fully fulfil what I intended to do 16 weeks ago.
I very much regretted the event that has taken place which transforms me into where I am today. I do not wish this to happen and it did without realizing it has taken toll on me. I want my body back thus willing to do what it takes to lift weights again and gaining the strength that I have built so patiently.
It will take a lot of courage, willpower and mind controlling. However I have made a promise to myself to comeback with REVENGE. You will see the new Azzahra!

May 10 first new pics of Azzahra

Condition update may 12

May 16

email from Azzahra:

“Who on earth told you that. No I can’t get hold of it. Even if I could I wouldn’t touch the stuff. I hope you know what you’re doing. Messing with diuretics is dangerous. Do you know what the side effects are? People I know have ended up in hospital taking that, just do it that hard way with vitamin C and water. All the best from you comp. Have a great day x “
This was the words of a Top 5 Great Britain NABBA Competitor.
Every step you take in life has its consequences. It is your choice weather to stop from it getting worse. And in my case, why didn’t my couch warn me??
You can say it is my fault – true, I have the chance to follow other people, competitors, ordinary gym trainer advice but I refused. “Azza, you looked like you haven’t been eating – you look like you have an eating disorder” “Azza, are you sure whatever your couch is telling you is right? Are you doing it right?”
“You lost a lot of weight man” – Those were the comment I received.
What is weight? What is muscle and what is fat? Can somebody explain it to me? At that stage of my body I did not know the definition behind those words. All I know is wake up, coffee, cardio, weights and more cardio. Every week I just wanted to impress him, I want to show how dedicated I was to his regime. I discipline myself more than I was during my off season.
I hinder all the comment and listen to one person only. My contest preparation couch.
When my face starts to shrunk in – I tell my mind is ok. It got so worse to a point you can see veins on my forehead. I couldn’t carry heavy load let alone train heavy or upload someone 10’s plate on a leg press. The stairs was just barely. And I still convinced myself to trust the person who I worked with.
As he told and reminded me that I will look and achieve the best I ever have when I fill my body with fats by the end of the week if I keep up and stay in condition. LOOK THE BEST – that was the only sentences I poured in my mind whenever I looked in the mirror. I saw the chances to my face, my body and condition. I did not stop. More is more, I told myself. Whenever I felt out of the blue I would remind myself would your idol ever skipped cardio in these few weeks out?” At this point the mind has taken over. It was my own doing. I replaced the imagine I see in the mirror with my idol. Big, muscular and ripped!! Meanwhile I did not gain anything but weak and brittle.
I can’t go back to this, moreover writing it out loud. I don’t want your sympathy while reading this. I don’t know who’s fault it was. The past was the past but if I ever have the chance to turn back, I would. Every cent that was spent, every effort, every sweat, everything I used to have crushed to pieces. It is not just physical changes that I have damaged but it is my personality as well, I am not who I used to be. Now I just want to make it all worth it by doing it right this time – I will make ever tears that my parents shed when they saw me the first time before the competition worthwhile.”

May 19. Azzahra is not training yet. Got to hit 50 kilos first and here she weighs 46 kilos only.

May 25 Azzahra 48.5 kilos. I have now approved she can go weight train, but NO cardio for now! She will start nutrient time pre and post workout too.

May 27

Azzahra sent me a body scan result. She weighs more in the test due to weighing on a nonfasted stomach, but it comes down to 50.5 kilos and 13% fat. Now, that fat percent is still very low, it will be interesting to see how the new added muscle mass will change the composition.

May 28 49 kilos

Jun 2 Azzahra finally at 115 lbs or 50 kilos! What a change!!! She is now training weight training every other day and applies nutrient timing pre and post workout!

June 8

June 11 51.5 kilos

more from azzahra:

In my initial two years of training in the UK, I rarely have problems with people bothering and interrupting me while I was training. They are not concerned with my rep range, what I do or take, and how heavy I lift. However, it seems to be the contrary when I started training in gyms in Malaysia. When you walked into a gym in Malaysia you hardly find a girl who squats, deadlifts or bench press. (I’ll be on cloud nine if I ever find one). I was training the other day, a men was in shocked when he saw me lifted walked.
The most frequent question and remarks I get are:
‘why do you lift?’
‘this is how you should train!’
‘this stuff works, I watched it done on youtube!’
‘I never seen any girl here works out like you’
‘OH! You can lift weights??’
‘ Aren’t you scared to be big??’
First off, yes, women can bloody hell lift weights and thanks but no thanks I’ll be fine on my own. I am no scientist. I don’t learn about what we do in school, college or university. I looked-up books and internet. It is another way to build up the knowledge but it is still not enough. During my initial year training in a gym in Malaysia, the trainers there always tells me that I am not doing things the right way and the only way to achieve my goals is to take off-the-counter supplements, eat as much and whatever I want to bulk-up! And these are trainers claimed and holds verified certificate on the background knowledge of this sport. If so why do you think steroid is the only way to achieve muscle? Women can build muscle naturally, without off-the-counter supplements; providing we have the right knowledge especially on the matters that works pertinent to one self. I have people coming-up to me and hassling, ‘train with me because it’s the best and shortest time to achieve your goals’ ‘I am the best and my program works’.  But why the shortest amount of time? Isn’t this sport is all about patience, consistency as well as a lot of learning in the progress? What do I do when I have reached my goals in that given period? So that I could go back to how I was before while you picked deep into my pocket s for money again? There are people out there who claimed that their plans are scientifically proven; regardless of what happened to the trainee in the end. I listened to someone I believed who have the passion to help as well as the science – unfortunately I learnt my lesson the hard way. All I could do is explore, read more, doing what I think is right and suits me. One step at the time and everything fall into place.
.

June 14

June 19 Azzahra 52.3 kg

June30

July 11

July 25 53.5 kilos

Azzahra’s weights in the gym have gone up a lot. It looks like that strength turned into more muscle!

Azzahra August 10