When I started bodybuilding I never had any role models. I did not have any women I looked up to and wanted to look like. It was very little about the body’s look that attracted me to the sport, it was the lifestyle, the discipline, the dedication that caught my attention and kept it for good. I had an inner vision of what I wanted to be like, I did not look at pictures, I just knew I had it in me.

Now, it’s funny, I always loved the look of athletes like track and field ladies, dancers and most other athletes who all need to watch their weight in order to be as light but as powerful as possible. This is not the look bodybuilders want, bodybuilders want excess muscle. Volume. Sweaps, bulging muscle bellies.

Yesterday however I finally saw this woman at the gym who I believe is an ex athlete, like a distance runner maybe? She just comes in, stretches and does cardio. She is very very lean. Tall. You can tell there is no bodyfat on her more than just the necessary layer which keeps her looking just fabulous. As I approached the machine beside her, she looked at me, I smiled, she smiled back. And I knew, THIS is what I like, THIS is the kind of body I always wanted. Super tight, super athletic, lean. She is very pretty too. It’s the first time I find a woman I want to look like. I will tell her next time I see her.

I got some questions about if I miss heavy training? No. Not at all. I thought I would, but my body feels so much lighter, less sore, less achy muscles. So I feel better overall. I felt a bit overweight being dense at 121 for my little 5′2 stature. I would not have those muscles without lifting a lot of weight for a long period of time, so I guess my body loves the break from it. I do play with the thought of regaining the muscle, but nah don’t think I will have the desire…

I never thought I’d have the luxury to shed muscle to get smaller and just tight. Wonderful after years of fear of losing any lean mass at all! lol.

I don’t even miss working out like I used to. I love lifting for the effects it has on my body, but when it comes to endorphins, cardio work releases more of that! Now, when the lifting has a negative effect for my goal (for now anyway), I don’t miss it. I have a life, I enjoy way more things than working out. Heck, I prefer getting a massage to lifting! Always did, Always will. I am pretty lazy .

Guess I am a true bodybuilder in that sence: I lift to look a certain way. It just happens to be NOT lifting bodybuilder right now. I should switch to call myself a BODY SHAPER. Because that suits me better right now!

It may come to you as a surprise, but even though most people find me extreme and obsessive, I never look for short-cuts. I don’t search for easy ways out, I don’t ask for miracles over night. I don’t get a happy pill or ADHD pill to shut off hunger or to get more energy. I don’t drop my calories ultra low either. Or stop eating. If I don’t see myself being able to keep up a routine/regimen I do not keep on with it. I only invest time for the long term.

Getting smaller and tighter when your body fat is already as low as you want it is new to me. I will of course lose some more fat, but more muscle. I don’t have 4 lbs of flab I can lose, so something’s gotta give and for me it’s muscle. I have too much thickness overall and I am glad to strip it off. I am in for a new look, I reached what I wanted muscle wise, you got to get the peak of the mountain before you can look down and see where you want to be.

It took me 23 days before I hit 119. Today I did. That is how long it takes for my body to change. I always struggle with “the last pound” and when your body fat is really low, you need to work your butt off even more to make sure your body keeps on chewing down tissue.

I can get pretty frustrated with people who don’t understand why I want to change. Listen, it is MY body. I am i it day in and day out. I don’t care you think I look great the way I am. It’s about me! Me! When I see my body in the mirror and I feel like my thighs are too muscular my brain tells me to do something about it. I don’t want to accept something about myself I CAN change. I know what made those legs: years of super heavy training and endless squatting and deadlifting! So, by taking that away my body will adapt.

You must also realize that every body has a frame. Mine is petite, I am short. Building too much on that frame destroys symmetry, makes you look bulky and square. Who wants to be as tall as you are wide? Not me. For me that is looking like a toddler! lol.

One of my strongest assets in my physique is the fact I look tall in pictures. A leaner, tighter, less bulky physique keeps that illusion better than carrying a few extra pounds of muscle. As you build more quality mass, your lower back and abs will get thicker just like the rest of the body, and that I don’t want. I don’t want to feel wide-waisted!

You know, we all have ideals. Mine are not to be curvaceous as in swelling muscles, big thighs and thick arms. It’s not appealing.  Think about it: if you build wrong in the gym  you end up with huge quads, huge biceps and forward rotated shoulders. That is nasty. Especially as a women you got to be careful with HOW you approach your workouts…….

Two things take up most of our lives: our professional life and sleep. So, if you want to live your life to the fullest you cannot afford not chasing your dreams or making reality out of those dreams.  Spending 8 to 10 hours of my day doing something I don’t enjoy is a nightmare to me. I worked very hard to be able to do what I love and make a living of it. Every week I get the question “what do you do for fun?” and it annoys me every time. You see, I find my work fun. I went for making my hobby my career. I did not want to do anything I did not enjoy, I was lazy, did not have the patience or perseverance, I sucked at having a regular job. When you love what you do you don’t perceive it as work. That is why my work day never begins and never ends. I’m on duty and on call all the time. And I happen to love it. I still feel like I’m just playing, I’m so lucky being able to train as much as I want, stretch as much as I want, write when I want to, work with positive people and say “no thank you” to those I don’t see as contributing to my life.

Being successful to me is finding pleasure in work. What you do should reinforce you, empower you, make you feel there is a need for you in this world. If you don’t feel it, you gotta try to change your situation. When you choose your career due to desire for money you will never be happy with your every day life. Because those kinds of jobs usually means a lot of work hours. And how fun is that when you detest your work?

Let me tell you…. I did not go for my career to make money. Making money off doing what I love is fantastic, I cannot believe I do it actually, but I believe it comes from having the passion for your mission. Everyone’s got to have a mission! Why otherwise fight for something? There’s got to be a bigger cause to keep the fire burning for.

All I want to do is to inspire. And not just by having my picture hanging on some wall somewhere in the world. Yeah, a look, a body, an appearance, it’s all good, BUT, what I have to say, what I write is what I want to be remembered for. And that is the big reward: looks will fade, but words in writing are for eternity.

I mentioned a few days ago about those fat people who shoved in walnut after walnut from bag to mouth at the airport. They should have been given a speeding ticket because ooooh those hands were racing fast there to get in as many calories as possible…. I can get pretty pissed at the whole “it’s healthy for you!” stupid propaganda that all companies are waving in front of you. On the news or some kind of program yesterday I saw the CEO of Coca Cola who of course said his drink is amazingly healthy. Oh, they forgot to mention WHEN CONSUMED IN VERY SMALL QUANTITY. But here, that is the problem we got. We cannot do that magic “portion control”. All we see is super sized so we are trained to perceive our servings to be too small if we eat according to what our bodies need, not what our mouth WANTS. Everyone more or less is fXXXed up here: if you are too skinny by nature you will for sure hear it from everyone that you need to eat more. Why? Because you are dying from starvation? NO, because people want everyone to be the same size, same weight and height. Like the United Europe tried to make all cucumbers the same length…god, what a waste of energy huh!

Ever followed a recipe in a book for “leaner eating” just to find out how measly those portions are? They don’t look like in the beautifully staged pictures because oh, they truly are STAGED. It’s more or less 4 servings in that picture for sure. So, you end up all miserable and hungry.

From a phiolosophical standpoint, I have nothing against carbs or grains. I do however know that the servings need to be super small in order to stay lean unless you are armed with super genetics. Well, I am not. When I look at a serving of rice and compare it to veggies…I can only laugh when someone wonders why I don’t eat rice, potatoes etc… LOL, do YOU want to eat a table spoon of rice instead of a pound of veggies? Ok, I am exaggerating here a bit, but it is truly like that,

All I am asking for is not feeling physical hunger. Mission accomplished by avoiding foods that contain more calories than some other less energy dense food. Who are kings here? The VEGGIES! YAY!!! I love the,, I love them, I adore them, I would die without them! If I did not know they existed no way could I be semi depleted like constantly. Because depleted is a common state to be in when you desire single digit body fat. And it’s not like that single digit just stays there on it self without being reminded about staying there…hahah, no, the body is so darn smart, it finds ways to get more efficient, to make you stop doing what you do etc etc.

It’s funny how I once had super control and did not eat, then lost that destructive control, got into the “cheat day bodybuilding life”, felt miserable but couldn’t control it so I was the typical monday to friday eating perfectly just to ruin it during the weekends and thought it was ok but then wondered why am I not lean??? HAHAHA, well listen to ya Pauline I said to myself, you cannot EAT like a COW!:-)

So, I just stopped, accepted what I could have and could not. Checked so I wanted it badly enough and oh yeah I did. So I created my concept. Fighter Diet. Discipline your dedication.

There is a huge difference between looking like you are one lean, mean athlete and actually BEING one. Looks deceive, the leaner the body usually the more tired and dragging that body is. Right now I am more or less tired all the time. It´s self induced I know. It’s not like I did not know what I’m doing, but still, of course it frustrates me when I meet people who do not understand. I’m not slow or lazy, I just don’t move faster than this! You try my schedule, my regimen and you tell me how fun it is to train? Everyone has a choice and mine happen to be having the LOOK of a lean, tight body. That does not come from eating for performance really. No, just like in all sports where you have to make weight, there comes phases when you are dragging your feet constantly, you are not even hungry because you feel like throwing up due to fatigue. And every little move is hard. The solution is not to eat more to perform better, the key is to remember WHY you are doing it and remember there will be time for recuperation as well. Just not right now.

As a woman, it’s even HARDER to get LEAN than for men. You men may complain, but you go ahead and work with our genetic makeup and try to force your body to get really shredded. It won’t happen naturally by “reducing a little carbs here and there and walk a little extra”. No it takes some intense work!!!!!!

Last week I started with boxing and kickboxing. I cannot come to the workouts well rested and energized. no, this training is ON TOP of the regular cardio stuff I am doing to shed some weight. Hey, dude, I just did an hour of cardio, and now you want me to be explosive and punch harder, faster, faster, harder? It won’t HAPPEN! Give me some slack! No, it does not help you trying to piss me off telling me “do you really wanna quit???”, hey this is my extra activity, a skill I want to learn, I’m not a fierce fighter! I am a novice! And a depleted, brain-not-working-perfectly-dieting motherfxxxer!

Then, is it all worth it? hell yeah it is! This ain’t new, I am USED to dig in DEEP to get what I want! I’m just exhausted. And EVERYONE who is in this field knows what I mean. “HAve an energy bar” is not the answer. Get it, to get lean you gotta sacrifice! If you eat for energy you stay at the same damn weight! You know why so few make it? Because it’s damn tough! And it’s frustrating when your body works against you too. Like mine does right now. It does not want to lose. It is happy it seems. It just takes TIME. I think I see some changes some days, but then, who knows. I just know I must keep on doing until I see what I need.

Right now I am just tired. Drained. I’ve been at this mode many many times before. It does not kill me. But it makes me pissed at people who don’t get the game I play. Or those who never had to diet in their whole life, are pretty lean or skinny and don’t know what the rest of us have to do to get to that degree.

I am also very pissed with lack of knowledge about how the body works: Listen, NO or LITTLE CARBS means SLOW MOVING! You cannot be explosive on NO FUEL suitable for explosive work! It does not mean you should eat a lot of carbs all the time, but you must understand WHY you just cannot do all you want as fast as you want it!

The best way to get really endurant is to train some times when you feel like dying. And then really do the workout great anyway. When you then do the same workout WITH carbs, like after a refeed, DAMN you see how FAST HOW HARD and LONG you can go! I’m surely going to lead by example and bust my ass once more today on those cardio machines.

When I was 17 and a happy beginner I used to hop up on the stepmill and press highest level of difficulty. That was my way to prepare myself for the workout because in some way I found it to be like this: if I speed up here really fast in the beginning and get lactic acid, my my correct level of difficulty will feel a lot easier. And of course it does when you can slow down! I guess I found buffering like that helpful… Nowadays I would never go at it like that. Some days the first minutes are truly nasty. Your mind goes “how on earth am I gonna pull this session off….” But after about 40 minutes (haha, ok, I had to write that, just joking), no, after 10 minutes or so with a good beat in the headphones, well suddenly it is easier. I don’t think it has as much to do with starting the whole body process on how to work at a higher intensity as it has with just realizing this session will not be done until it’s physically over and done. So just as well deal with it right?

I never had a warm-up procedure until I was fortunate to intern at Pro Camp. TR Goodman showed me how to do a really nice routine to prep the body for a workout. I found out a lot about my body from that: I was so tight in my lower back and hips for instance it was ridiculous. And then by doing it day in and day out I saw improved flexibility, better performance in my regular lifts etc. So I trained for a decade without warming up.

Today I was really tired for my morning cardio. Those first minutes and already tired. I’m experienced enough to know it will pass, it will pass, it’s mind over matter. Back in Sweden I told myself at these harder moments that if I did this workout with my best effort, I would get my green card. It was a mantra and I managed to break many personal bests in deadlifts, presses and pullups by telling myself the condition. Now, well, I got my green card… So how do I motivate myself? Well, by reminding myself WHY I am doing this. Why am I busting my butt day in and day out? Because it means a lot to me to be held accountable. That is why I am so happy I am back at my boxing and kickboxing regimen as well. I got two awesome trainers to help me. I show up all tired and dragging my feet, but they succeed to get me fired up and excited! Suddenly there is some energy in that body! And it lasts for hours! Now, I am on my way to my final cardio session before I call it a day, and I will make sure I go while the kickboxing effect is still in my blood. Some times keep on spinning the wheels is the best way to get through the day.

Of course I wonder some times why I suddenly put myself under even harder workout routine than ever because I want to be smaller. It’s like “almost forbidden” to desire to have less muscle mass. Well, It feels awesome not to care about losing some because all I want is to get really really REALLY tight and shredded. It will take some time, I always struggle with the last pounds since I stay so lean consistently, so it is an uphill battle, but not impossible at all of course. It would be impossible if I did not commit to run the extra 10 miles lol.

I think about my clients and you, my fan base…. I want to prove to you once again that you can achieve what you want as long as you commit, stay dedicated and patient. So, wait and see how I change….

it’s been two weeks now doing my new altered training routine. I enjoy the change of pace. It’s fun to evolve concepts or ideas. I kept all my beloved exercises like deadlifts and squats, but, I go without breaks from one compound movement to another without rest. The weights are way smaller, but I get a lot more total work load done. For instance, I go for 30 reps wit 70 lbs barbell deadlifts combined with shoulder dumbbell presses (25’s( for 15 reps followed by bentover dumbbell rows 20 reps with the same 25’s. I just come up with combinations as I go, and it’s fun to just keep on moving. It’s so much fun I go for way longer than an hour. So the total calorie burn increases. Which is what I need to lose size.

My extra load of cardio work has done my legs good: I have fewer trigger points, my legs feel better in general. I feel flexible, lighter. This kind of work is easier to recuperate from than heavy weight training. I am very tired after, but if I wasn’t it just showed I am not pushing hard enough. I am not doing low-intensity work, I am doing cardio work. That takes more effort!

Tomorrow I am kickboxing.

I also had a small small refeed today. I am very moderate since I have shoots coming up and don’t want to risk any bodily misbehaving! So, I had a half cup extra oats, extra calorie rich veggie assortment and an extra serving of pistachios. Altogether 6-700 calories more than usual. It should do my body good.

In the am, earlier than is needed I jump out of bed excited and relieved to be alive and ready to go work out. My morning routine is almost always the same: quick “rub around” on the stomach to get an idea about me having a lean day or a puffy day. I put my wheat bran porridge in the microwave, 30 minutes all out cooking in the big glass bowl, then office time with coffee. A lot of energy for my workout, yes I feel like I can go on forever.

Then comes to energy crash…. ooooh, wow, around noon…. soooo tired. I just wanna lie down. Dragging my feet. I wonder how will I ever feel energized again… Every step, every move is slow and takes a lot of effort. I feel drained. I think about going for a massage but walking there? hm… no not worth it, too tired! Apparently doing another workout later on seems very far fetched! I cannot even imagine climbing up on a machine pushing the heart rate over 80 bpm! I seriously believe too that I have never been this tired and exhausted before. Which is never true. I’m not even hungr, that’s how tired I feel. I just need that tempurpedic mattress and quiet. And maybe my little warm wheat-pillow!

Then, KABOOM, MAGIC!!!! Around 4 pm my internal clock knows it’s boogie time! It’s cardio time! yes, the gym is calling my name. I check my arms and veins starting to pop. It’ like the muscles are getting psyched up on their own, they want to take me for a ride! And suddenly I got all this energy. I was just preserving it for later use! Smart body huh! It knows it will bust its butt in the evening, so better check those energy suckers during the day like walks to the store, vacuum cleaning, doing dishes, laundry… Yeah those tasks take too much haha. I detest leisure time activity, I just wanna lie down and wait til training. This is typical for hard training athletes/models: we NEED to be lazy in between to recuperate. I remember everyone always tells me” oh, but don’t you looove a walk, Pauline? You are so active, let’s go for a run or go hiking! hm… no way, YOU go for a hike, I’ll be gone fishing til it’s workout time.

My body has totally adapted the energy preservance guidelines: it’s not expending energy without reason!

So, now time for my cardio session!

This is no news, but yesterday in the news was once again a piece on obesity and how it’s skyrocketing. It disgusts me to see the western world’s supersize waistlines because it costs way too much money! The food industry keeps on pushing the agencies to promote grains and all that is made from it. They want to feed cattle with grains as well as us to fatten us up. Cheap. Makes lots of money. I cannot get that healthy food is so expensive and all the junk, the crap costs a few dollars if even one dollar. I know it’s about education, but come on, how can you NOT know that fatty french fries make you fatter? Or that an apple is better than a coke? I think everyone knows that deep inside. if a kid would be to point out what is better for you I bet the apple would be picked as the winner.

I get pissed when I see these super fat people who don’t seem to care or even be aware of the consequences of being morbidly obese. And parents who are too lazy to prep dinner (I’m sorry but you should not have kids if you cannot bring them up to be good, healthy, street smart people) so they go get drive-thru shit like KFC or McDonalds again. of course the kids nag about getting it, they don’t UNDERSTAND the importance of eating healthy foods, the parents are responsible to teach them and lead by example.

I just hate fatness. I hate fatness, not the fat PEOPLE. But if I ran this country I would increase the prices on all junk, all simple sugars and reduce the prices on all whole and natural foods. I want it to be mandatory to exercise. I want it to be forbidden to eat as much crap as you want if you are obese. I don’t want to see this country get less financially fluent due to fat people costing so much. I’m sick of the “medicating this, medicating that” mentality. Hey, you got high blood pressure? ok, CHECK YOUR LIFESTYLE FIRST. Oh, you got diabetes? What the heck are you eating???

And what is this “take a pill”. Sleeping pills. pain meds. alertness pills. Soothing ones, sharpening onces. How’s working on your outlook instead? Everyone seems to have a lack of some neurochemicals nowadays, I think it’s the society we live in that is off the hook. So, yes, you cannot change the world, but do you really want to float away on meds instead to feel better?

And it does not start and end with just popping a pill. Ever thought about what that pill does to your body INSIDE your body? You ever asked your liver what he thinks about it? Or your kidneys for all of you who overdose on proteins and drink way too little fluids so you get dehydrated. Did you ask your brain if you REALLY are hungry or just trying to shut down your emotions?

What is wrong with us I wonder. We want so much and do so little. I wish I was sponsored to defatten all America and make this country number one in fitness as well. I cannot believe we look like this. It was supposed to be living off the fat of the land, not BEING the fattest of the lands. Ok, I got worked up here. But man, this pisses me off!!!

Whoever invented caffeine I owe a lot. Well, we all do who expect to squeeze out more power out of our bodies to reach our goals. Nothing beats the emergency energy drink: in 15 minutes you go from tunnel vission crawling around to sharp, on FIRE, ready to go. It’s hilarious! You know, I don’t care about those who say “oooh, caffeine is a poison!”. Everything is a poison in excess! Even love is nasty in excess! So no matter how beautiful a thing is in itself, too much and it’s really too much. My own caffeine consumption I am meticulous with. I only take it before a workout. Never in the afternoon just because I need a kick in the butt. You see, when you overdo it your body gets used to the kick, so it gets less efficient. By keeping the caffeine shots to one or top two a day you get the KICK every time! Yeah baby! I stack my caffeine with l-tyrosine. It acts like an amplifier.

OK, so today, after workout number one and two, I headed for a 30 minute cardio warmup. Suddenly I felt this “I’m DOING THIS AND I LOVE IT!!!”, I got so excited about my challenge, my change, my drive to reach a new HIGHER level. I felt so ON, so productive, very seize the day. I felt empowered. And it kept on flowing over me as “HEY JOE” by Jimi Hendrix was on high volume in my Dr Dres. It made me want to do a little motivation play list. Here are songs that do it for me…;

Angel on my shoulder (Kaskade & Tamra)

Rusty Cage (Johnny Cash)

Reggaeton Latino (Don Omar)

I fight for you (Morgan Page)

Ruff in the Jungle bizness (Prodigy)

7 days (Arnej)

Oran Marseille (Khaled)

Long Beach (Alex Dolby)

Hiya feat. Samira (Hocine)

Right Now (Akon)

Bullet in the head (Rage against the machine)