beginner in the gym? congratulations! You pick up a dumbbell and your biceps will respond and grow. Do a somewhat ok squat and your butt will shape up a bit. yeah those first “layers” come with ease and you get a bit cocky thinking “oh boy, I’m gonna grow like weed and be ready for the stage in 3 months from now! YAY!”. Sorry to deliver it to you but it ain’t gonna happen. Everyone is a prodigy the first months in the gym and even the first year. You can train harder and harder and your body says OH yeah give it to me, I like it I like it. It’s easy to get decent.

Then after that first year of new fitness love for muscle gain and strength increases you will sooner or later see some stagnation. And 90% of you will stop, quit, get bored and retreat to the couch and eat chips. After a few months of sloppiness and noticing jiggly thighs you might go back to training and once again see the first wonderful response from your training hungry body. And then you get stuck again, motivation goes down and you plateau at average and quit again.

So, what do you do if you don’t want to be filed in that category who are constant beginners or chronic “re-starters”? Well, you stop looking for fast progress. You WORK for it but you understand that’s just mandatory to get results. You don’t stop because you get stuck in a rut or your results are not as fantastic as in the beginning.

The biggest mistake is to give up, look for a short cut, look for a perfect program and diet, wonder what is wrong with you and your lack of results, comparing yourself to physiques who’ve been taken through grueling workouts a decade longer than you have tortured your baby body!

After the first year of training you need to be smart. You cannot abuse your tendons, use too much momentum, lift with whatever form you think is good because you forgot you are bodybuilding, not powerlifting. You cannot afford injuries and to be honest you need to get real and face the facts: the one who gets the most extreme results do the following consistently:

Trains intensely and with a mission

Monitors training progress, results

analyzes and corrects the training protocol

reflects upon the sessions and always works on improving

has understanding that the body is not created in the gym but during the rest of the 24/7 NOT lifting iron

Acknowledges that you must be as meticulous with flexibility and soft tissue work as you are with lifting heavy.

realizes that you will sooner or later break down if you are not paying attention to range of motion, form and function.

you see, you can train hard and brutal for a while, but that won’t last for long. how do you think you will manage that in ten years from now if your joints are nagging already? Hm… get it: without functioning joints how are you going to be able to overload the muscles to create a muscle building stimulus?

Remember you cannot build a house on a foundation of sand! it will not hold!

I was watching a trainer today having an obvious out of shape beginner do one leg squat with hip flexion in the top and shoulder presses at the same time. I wondered “what is THAT gonna help the lady get into shape?” I am all for function, but that’s just dumb. Why train someone like an athlete if they cannot even do a regular squat? To entertain? keep it interesting? or make the lady feel like she cannot do anything right? I wonder… I am fed up with this stupidity functional training trend that is so stubborn. it’s stubborn because it takes more work to lift heavy!

Well, whatever.;-)

We all have questions and when I have some I like to ask those who know way more than I do, have way more experience and knowledge from years of researching and investigating. Here is an interview with Jerry Brainum whose brain I had the honor to pick. Check out his ebook at his website JERRY BRAINUM <http://www.jerrybrainum.com>

Jerry!

Pauline: If I want to switch out wheat bran which reduces mineral absorption for another fiber type, is glucomannan as in shirataki a good choice? I read wheat bran is the only food that seems to interfere with calcium absorption, but what about the rest of fibers… Psyllium husk? I am trying to figure out what I can mix my calcium rich pm meal with to make it satisfying without wasting the minerals….

Jerry Brainum: I would still use the wheat bran. There are two kinds of food fiber: soluble and insoluble, and they do different things in the body. Wheat bran is an excellent source of insoluble fiber, while the other forms of fiber that you mention are all good soluble fiber sources. Glucomannan is particularly good if you ingest about 4-5 grams 30 minutes prior to a meal. It will reduce appetite because it expands to 5-times its weight in the gut. But you must take it with a good amount of fluid for this to work. As for the wheat bran, just separate it from when you take your calcium. Calcium is best taken in amounts not more than 500 milligrams at a time, and you should take a dose before going to sleep.

Pauline: I sweat a lot when I do cardio (both intervals and steady state) but I never smell of ammonia. Since I take 10 grams of BCAA pre and post workout and don’t take carbs pre or post I wonder why… Not that I want to, but I am wondering what it means: does it mean the kidneys clear the blood from ammonia or do the muscles change it into something else or what…?

Jerry Brainum: You’re probably not noticing any ammonia odor because a) You consume a high carb diet, and as such, your muscles are replete with glycogen. This, in turn, means that your body never gets to the point of having to metabolize protein as an energy source because you are supplying enough readily available fuel (glucose and glycogen, and perhaps, some bodyfat). The BCAA would likely produce some ammonia, but only if your workout exceeded about 2 hours on a hot day and you didn’t consume any fluids. Consuming sufficient fluids also prevents the ammonia odor effect. The main effect you would notice with excess ammonia production during exercise would be muscle fatigue. BUN is more of a measure of protein loss related to dietary protein intake and kidney filtering capacity.

Pauline:I use 10 grams of BCAA pre and post every workout. I also use beta-alanine 2 grams pre workout. About 12 hours pre this am cardio I have a lot of carbs from veggies etc. I drink lots of fluids. No ammonia smell despite the bcaas which should be oxidized in the muscles…  Supplementing with bcaas means they are being oxidized instead of muscle protein, that’s the theory right, so IF there was some oxidation taking place it would most likely be there and not protein amino acids..?

I guess I am confused since I read a lot about people who are on ketogenic diets and they get smelly, and then I start to research and find stuff. I am just concerned with the effect ammonia has on the organs! I want them to be healthy, but the cycle (urea cycle) is a natural thing right, so it’s not like it’s damaging unless done in excess and individual feel sick from it?….

Jerry Brainum: If you are low in muscle glycogen from a lack of sufficient carbs, and you train more than 2 hours, you will likely burn some of the BCAA. They will spare your muscle protein, as you suggested. The carbs you are eating are probably enough to replenish the stores depleted by exercise, so I doubt if you are burning much BCAA. The bad odor that people get on low-carb diets is caused by acetones released as a result of excess ketone production. It’s not ammonia. Your body probably has no problem getting rid of the ammonia via the urea cycle, so I wouldn’t worry about it, unless you are having severe liver and kidney problems. Again, if your training energy is high, then that’s the signal that ammonia isn’t a problem, since excess ammonia that the body can’t get rid of would cause a lot of fatigue during training.

Pauline: Have you done any research on the effect on liver and kidneys when people go decaf from regular consumption? I stopped all caffeine almost two weeks ago and am having blood work done in two weeks to check the difference on my chemistry panel. I am curious to see if it changes my stats when not changing anything amino acid like (no reduced protein, aminos or decreased training). If it does come out with a big difference maybe it would be interesting to write an article about it…?:-)

Oh, another question… if I have a large bowl of wheat bran and the calcium in the protein powder I mix it with has 900 mg calcium. Should I count that as about 50% retained since the fiber absorbs 50% of calcium in that meal?

Jerry Brainum:    As far as I know, there is no heath benefits after switching from caffeinated coffee to decaf. It doesn’t make sense, unless you have a sensitivity to caffeine. You can’t absorb more than 500 mgs of calcium at a time anyway. so I wouldn’t worry about fiber interfering with calcium. Just ingest your calcium 2 hours prior or 2 hours after, and you will have no problem.

Pauline: THANKS A LOT JERRY!

Jerry Brainum: no problem Pauline!

Being successful is working against gravity. You want to climb higher, be ready for some serious pulling your legs, but if you just passively choose to cruise, well then you can comfortably fall down and nobody’s gonna stop you. Success takes taking risks. Success takes gambling risk vs reward. Success takes putting your heart and soul at stake and doing it frequently, if not daily.

Success is never given to you. Many never reach their goals because every opportunity coming their way they dismiss because the timing is not perfect. People day dream about the big chance and how everything’s going to change when that chance knocks on the door, but when it does, suddenly you realize people stop themselves from succeeding.  People have previous commitments which they of course could say no to, but no they don’t, suddenly they are very loyal to everyday “commitments” like going to the hair dresser or going to yoga with a friend. A lot of aspiring “fitness models” hunt down shoots but when they get the opening, well, guess what: they decline because either they are too lazy to diet down, they prioritize competing instead which won’t guarantee any magazine covers anyway, or the date of the shoot is just not perfect.

Listen, there are never any perfect situations and no opportunities come when the timing is excellent. All my “big gigs” have come to me at bad times when I had hundreds of other things on my mind which stressed me out. But I did know I could not turn any of them down, what if they would not come again? Opportunities you accept lead to more opportunities but you need to start taking them on!

All you want you need to fight for. Don’t fall a victim for waiting for god, fate or destiny to hand it to you. Passively waiting and blaming circumstances for not getting what you want will do nothing for you. If you take action, do it on your own, really work harder than everybody else does to reach your goals then of course you will get far. The good thing is, the more attractive the goal/title or thing you want, the fewer the tough, resilient candidates will be who can fight gravity and make it to the top. So, yes it might be lonely up there, but on the other hand you might not need to fight as hard constantly when you manage to reach the “close but not really there yet top” of the top of the mountain.

When you stop relying and depend on other people because you have no other choice, then things start to happen. Even though it’s way easier to have other pull the strings for you, well, all of us don’t have that luxury (yet), so free yourself from the wish of having it and start act now on your dreams and goals. Don’t ask “why doesn’t it happen for me”, ask “why wouldn’t it happen to me?”.

It’s a bit scary when you realize that your best friend AND worst enemy are yourself. Because nobody has as strong a power to inhibit and stop you as YOU do, on the other hand if you truly want to succeed and believe you will and you believe you are worthy of it because someone gotta do it right, well, then go ahead, conquer the world! One bit at a time!

A lean, sculpted body does not come from merely being physically strong. Being physically strong is nothing but a mandatory criteria for achieving that chiseled physique we all desire. A fool is never shredded, neither does the fool display a perfectly symmetrical body. You can be incredibly strong and powerful as a fool indeed, but the leanness never teams up with that strength in an idiot. Think about it: how many dumb people have you ever met who have bodies you envy?

Stupid people eat a cookie and then wonder why they are fat.

Smart people eat the cookie, see the consequence of fattening up, learn the lesson and don’t eat the cookie again.

Smart people are not afraid of being leaders or walking a path alone. Smart people are not sheep, they are wolves.

Smart people draw a paragraph between what they do and what it leads to. And that makes me think about my upbringing and then in particular my mom since I’m writing about the power of the mind.

My mom asked me the other day if I remembered when I was 2 years old and singing in the choir. One time around christmas the choir performed in church and I sang louder and clearer than the other children. I did not notice they stopped singing and laughed quietly and pointed at me trying to make me stop. But I didn’t. I kept on singing.

I did not remember this event, but my mom said “well, already back then you didn’t follow anybody’s path but your own”. And I feel that is what I’ve done.

I analyze my past a lot because it’s the only way to learn what it all was for and how my experiences created who I am today.  One time I hurt my knee very bad and was rushed into the hospital. When the knee was repaired I was expecting presents and candy from my mom, but she came empty handed. I was very disappointed. All I got was a big kiss and a “you were doing so good! I am proud of you”. Oh, I was furious and sad, why did I not get any presents?

Now, being an adult I am very thankful my mom brought me up with this mindset: no materialistic gifts would make me feel better if I was not feeling truly happy. I believe this is one of the reasons why I am not that big on “stuff”. I don’t have a big desire for material matters and belongings. I have a big thirst for achievements, recognition.

Another thing from the past I remember was how my mom treated me when I was “bored”. “Go outside, make something up!” she ordered me and since I was stuck there with nothing to do I had to be creative. I had to find solutions. I learned to rely on nobody but myself on making the best of things.

I do a lot of thinking. I remember the old days and see a pattern. I use it to reach my goals.

My past taught me not to complain and just work hard if I want something, not blame unhappiness on other people, not blame my failures on other peoples’ fortunes, work harder than anyone else, not let fear stop me, not settle for less than all I want.

So far I have a lot more to learn. For instance, compromising is nothing I want to learn yet and hopefully never lol. I don’t like compromising. In my world it means not getting what you want 100%.

I don’t want to learn taking the middle road either. guess that comes with time.

And just like getting wise takes time, dedication and patience, so does building a strong mind. And that you need to build the strong body.

“What motivates you”…. Could there be a more difficult question to answer…. I don’t know what drives me, do I have to know? Whatever motive there is I want to keep, some times digging deep to find the absolute source of the eternal waterfall of motivation leads to insights you might not want to see just yet… The meaning of life is not staying in super lean shape, work out every day in and day out and adhere to a strict diet, but what you reach, learn and realize by doing so could be.

My motivation goes hand in hand with how I feel about my shape. Some weeks my body feels soft and “mushy” and at that point I lose the drive a bit. It should be the opposite, but when you don’t change anything but your body changes, you feel out of control. When you do “everything right” and still your body is not responding, then you tend to lose the momentum and the go for it spirit.

When I was younger and had setbacks I did what most other people do: start over on Monday hoping and believing it will be like a miracle and I’ll be all motivated to push hard, train hard and be happy. Well, it’s never that case.

I assume one of the main reasons why I am so great at staying shredded is I cannot stand the feeling of NOT being shredded. On my days of “soft” I feel so heavy, so pissed and I have very little energy. Then, as I tighten up for no obvious or apparent reason, I regain the drive, the energy, all I want is to train and just enjoy to see what I’ve created throughout the years with my body.

Some days I too feel like “I’ve lost it”. I can get scared wonder if I’ll ever get lean again. And I am thinking like this when I’m carrying two pounds or three over my “perfect shape”, so I can just wonder how it must feel if you were once in shape and then gained 100 lbs and then wonder how on earth will you get down again.. No matter how many pounds, the pounds are always as hard. It does not get easier the less you have to lose, quite the opposite since your body is resisting your attempts to get super lean.

We all have those “what’s wrong with my body” moments. I too. After each photo shoot I find something new I feel is out of place or needs improvement on my body. I know my body so well, I know every angle and it can come across as skinny or muscular or even “chubby” depending on how I pose, lightning etc.

Back to motivation. I don’t know where it’s coming from. I’m just happy I don’t rely on it. Like last friday I had one of the best shoulder workouts in my life. Today I felt like I did not know where to start, I did not know what to do first or what exercises to do. It was back training and everything felt just boring. I have an inner “chore list” of compound moves that I have conditioned myself to see as mandatory or I will shrink and this sometimes drives me nuts. You see, I know that mixing up is good, but I’ve been rewarded for my consistency and thus I believe in it so hard it’s very tough to break it up.

But then, if I had felt in amazing shape today… I’d have more energy…. And then been having more fun too….

The key for me is to stick to the plan no matter how I feel. I do this to keep on having trust in myself, knowing I will execute in good and bad times. I will never let motivation be my boss. I know what I gotta do. I don’t need inspiration. I don’t need to “feel like it”. Sure it’s way more fun and rewarding when you have those moments but what if you built your regimen on those days only? Wow, would there be so many of them then?

If you are a runner you cannot stay home just because it’s raining! So, just because I don’t feel “YAY LET’S WORK OUT” does not mean I am overtrained or need a break. It’s just emotional. It’s just a feeling. No results come from following and listening to your first emotional reactions. Results come from noticing your reactions, then act according to what you want to achieve.

The other day was just another trip to the buffet at my beloved wholefood market. Excited and in good spirit I walked in, took my cart, wiped my hands off and went to grab my vegetables. I was dying for some steamed zucchini and luckily I found them. Or so I thought. A new dude was taking care of the food I noticed and since I was a bit suspicious about how much he really cared about what was being put out there, I asked him if the zucchini was truly steamed, NOT sauteed. “No, it’s steamed. For sure” he said.

“Really? That’s odd because as far as I know there should be no OIL when you steam them and to me it does look like there has been some added” I added and looked him hard in the eyes. That little brat I thought…. “I know they are steamed, because there is pepper on the sauteed, I am absolutely sure” he said with a lot of confidence. Then I had it: “Dude, what YOU believe does NOT make me feel comfortable, can you please ask your manager if it’s steamed or not?”. The guy gets a bit pissy and walks out to get his boss, clearly annoyed. So, guess what, he comes out and says “it’s sauteed”.

I KNEW IT. WHY DID HE EVEN ARGUE WITH ME AND DID NOT JUST GET HIS SUPERVISOR TO TELL ME????

I hate when people say they know and they obviously don’t. If I don’t know I don’t say I DO! common sense!

I told the manager her staff should be careful with what they claim because there are allergic people out there and also those who don’t want OIL in their diets and she said “well we are not perfect but we try”.

I do not think it’s a lot to ask to have the staff KNOW what they serve if they do work that area of the store. Wholefood market is expensive and I want perfect ingredients served in perfect condition.

Another day I was hunting for pumpkin. Since kabocha, my new beloved veggie, happened to be out of season I was going to try some alternatives. I asked the chopper what it tasted like and she could not express it. She thought I’d be ok with that. I asked her to ask her supervisor. She did not know how to explain it: “it’s the same, but not the same”. Pardon?

So, she goes and gets a young stud who is “supervising”. I asked him “what does butternut taste like” and he rambles “well, it tastes like butternut!” . Idiot warning. “but HOOOOOW in comparison, can you maybe tell me the difference in texture?” I asked politely, still no, no comment. He just looked at me like I was the stupid one. I would have done a better job supervising since I do know what most vegetables taste like and yes I can explain it too and make it sound interesting instead of having customers walk out in despair not getting any info!

Yeah, life is tough here lol, it’s a jungle;-)

When you were a pain in the butt as a kid did your mom stuff your mouth with a cookie or bribing you with a lolly pop if you just shut up for a second? And what about regular misery as a teenager, everyone said “oh that goes away when you get married”, meaning it will sooner or later be a thing of the past.

When you don’t feel like training or you actually wonder if you will ever feel energized and ON again, what do you do, you “pick yourself up” with a little chocolate bar or whatever your RX is for being happy, happy, joy, joy.

I’ve always been accused for being moody, difficult to read, impossible to analyze, smiling one day, grumpy the next. You know what? It’s not a classic case of bipolar disease, it’s not depression, it’s not frustration or bitterness: it’s being ALIVE.

People are so scared of feeling emotions. It’s not like they are gonna turn you into something you are not. If they had that fantastic power to actually transform your life from an eternal grey zone to a heaven on earth, then more people would be in that place. We all know, most people are thinkers and not thinking doers.

So, yeah, let’s say I have a bad day here and there. It’s not the end of the world. My “powers” and “drive” have not ceased. I don’t believe I suddenly will lose the edge or never feel the passion again. Am I scared of all those “This sucks, I don’t want to do anything and I hate everything and everyone today and I just want to scream out loud and tell everyone to GO X themselves”?

No. I am not scared or worried I am getting frustrated or overworked. I just act normally because humans have feelings and they are not accountable all the time. You know how you cannot help how you feel, but you CAN and SHOULD be held accountable for how you ACT.

I don’t know what’s wrong with today’s people. If you are feeling a bit low, oh mama, please call the doctor, the lady is depressed!!! Get her some anti depressants! Why? So she does not have to deal with reality. yeah, just medicate the symptoms so you can walk through life feeling averagely happy, not super excited and not incredibly sad either. You asked for something that keeps you at a constant….

You really want life to be at a constant? Perpetually constant? No ups and downs? You turn down feeling amazement, enthusiasm, happiness, ecstasy that come from challenges you face NATURALLY in life? When you don’t pop a pill and feel anxious, how can you choose to medicate your fears away so you can live “normal”? But normal is not feeling ok at a constant, normal is having good times and bad times.

I had a conversation about emotionals, anxiety etc with another woman the other week. She knew I have social anxiety when it comes to certain events, yet I have no problem being onstage, talk in front of a lot of people etc, but for instance, going to a party wearing a dress and high heels makes me very anxious and yes it’s so stupid and I know it so ON PURPOSE I go to those events that scare the shit out of me so I grow as a person. You know what this woman told me? “Why don’t you just have a drink before you go so you relax and enjoy the time?”.

WHAT????? When on earth did I become a slacker who wants the easy way out? Should I intoxicate myself so I do things I wouldn’t do sober? Hm… Should I do that all life so I have blindfolds on me and don’t really experience life?

So, back to having no drive in the gym, nothing great to look forward to etc: if I did not have those times I would not appreciate the highlights. If you have highlights every day or demand it in order to feel alive, then you have yet to realize there is something we call life that has more than highlights. Highlights come from hard work during the regular times. Highlights usually travel together too.

You know why I am not worried or scared of having low motivation some times? Some times weeks? Because I don’t rely on it for doing my job! I don’t NEED it to execute my plans. Being ecstatic tastes so much better since I don’t count on it being there.

I want to live my life having experienced situations I grow and mature from. I do not want to be given only highlights. I want my highlights but I want to work hard for them so nobody including myself can say I did not deserve them.

I work hard. I have always worked hard. I don’t ever see it change. And for your information if I won a million dollars or two I would still do what I do today. And I am sure I’d be just as anti social, grumpy and pissed off some days and super happy, welcoming and smiling at trees and birds some days too.

Life is good as it is: sweet and sour taking turns.

Physical health. What is that really? Is it to have normal blood values, normal blood pressure, normal sleep pattern, no nagging joints, no toxification, no overweight, no underweight, no high cholesterol, no fatty liver due to abuse of pain killers, alcohol, drugs in general?

What does a healthy body look like to you: is the biggest organ of the body, the skin moist and glowing? Does your hair have shine and thickness? bright eye whites? Do your muscles have a layer of healthy body fat on top? Is your stomach flat but not “cut”?

What does being healthy mean to you?

To me health equals doing what I love and counteract potential negative effects of my choices by prevention and focusing on the areas that I find are most important.

As a woman who wants to be cut, muscular and shredded day in and day out I am in no way considered “healthy” if you ask any medical doctor who thinks every woman’s prime focus should be reproduction. Low body fat as a woman takes tons of training, tons of strict adhering to nutrition which supports the training but does not load fat into the typical fat storages for women: thighs, glutes, lower abs and triceps.

The consequences of training for ultra low body fat most likely ends up as osteoporosis, depression, lethargy. However it can all be prevented by taking care of what you need: you need female hormones, calcium, vitamin D, plenty of nutrients on your low calorie diet. This is more or less the only “real issue” about being very lean as a woman. Men don’t have the same problem: all you get when training very hard to stay cut is a bit lower testosterone level MAYBE. Which can be reversed with some refeeds and rest….

Since my goal in life is to be happy with what I do and what I want to achieve, not to bear children to this world, I don’t worry about the menstrual cycles. You see, I read up on this years ago and after my years of not eating I was scared to death I had lost bone mass, so I got it checked. No loss. And a year ago I retested, still NORMAL values.

Now, I have yet to break a leg or fracture a hip. And I’ve been meticulous with supplying my body with the right nutrients  for years. I did not ignore the warnings because I was responsible and still am. I knew that if I wanted to be extreme and not regret it when I got older I would HAVE to take care of everything. Even if it meant a lot more work.

When I was competing everyone told me it was impossible to be ripped while on birth control pills. I refused to stop because I knew that those hormones were important to my bones. So I kept on and still do. I keep it for my bone density factor. Now birth control can have adverse effects on the liver and on your thyroid as well, so nothing good without bad to it. That is why I get routine checks to measure my liver and kidney values so I know how they are doing.

To me physical health means spiritual health. Spiritual health comes when I am happy and appreciate my choices in life. I consider myself a very fortunate human being. I have chosen to be one, I was not born one like nobody else is. Happiness is nothing you receive, you fight for it.

When you wonder if I am healthy, well, as you can tell, it depends on what you refer to. As a human being wanting to go for my ideals, my goals, my dreams, I find what I do to be the right path for it. I learn so much from doing what I do and read about all I find interesting, it’s truly GOLD in my opinion. But if you wonder if I am healthy as in “being physically ready to conceive  child due to enough body fat and minimal stress levels or subjection to environmental toxins”, NO, I cannot say I am! But who is really?

My blood pressure is normal. My heart rate is low. I do have a heart dysfunction I was born with but that I cannot change. I have not had any tooth cavity in my whole life, I’m never down with the flu, I don’t remember when I was really sick last time (which means it must have been long time ago).

I am strong. I feel strong. I don’t feel fatigued or drained. I have not drunk any alcohol since 2002 when I had a shot of vodka and before that I had another shot of tequila a year earlier. I don’t smoke pot, I don’t even take energy drinks with caffeine anymore and this I chose out of wanting to support my body by reducing one chemical source of stress. (caffeine increases stress hormones which evidently don’t help your body or mind to recover).

In addition to all the above strategies I use to be as healthy as I can with my body ideal, I eat pounds of vegetables daily, I don’t eat red meat, I don’t even buy pre roasted pistachios anymore due to the carcinogens fats get when they are heated. I also switched from whole flax seed as a source of insoluble fiber to psyllium husk. Why? because ground flax seed contains cyanide compounds and they can be toxic. Even thought whole flax pass through the intestines without being digested, I was not sure the cyanide wouldn’t “get out” so I stopped using them.

My “cleaning up” project is something I’ve done since I was a kid. I stopped eating candy at 8 after I saw the connection between my mom’s obese boyfriend and his constant consumption of coca-cola and jelly beans. I do this because I treat my body like the temple it is to me. it’s my diamond, my jewel. Some people work hard to buy an expensive car. Well, my choice of status symbol is my body and mind.

What I do, this sculpting my body and mind, is bodybuilding at its core. Bodybuilding is a healthy sport when done in moderation, but once again, the ultra lean look that is what bodybuilding people desire is an extreme state for the body and not what evolution rewarded. Evolution rewards a lot of body fat so we survive, but that comes with long term sacrifice: unhealthiness.

I am doing my best to educate people who are inspired by me what it means to do what I do. I think it would be morally wrong to do what many fitness “spokes persons” do: not tell the whole story with pros and cons.

It IS healthier from a body perspective to peak for a show and then “fatten up” for the rest of the year. But if health is not the primary focus but the secondary and primary happiness comes from doing what you love, then you must reevaluate why you want to do something and what it means to you for the long run.

Just like you can work extremely hard to be able to buy and ride a fantastic and expensive sports car, you know that owning one takes a lot of maintenance work, lots of high octane fuel, lots of insurance and you run a bigger risk of having it stolen or damaged by jealous individuals, you can CHOOSE what you want your body to be like. If you want it to be, feel and look like a super human you will need to do way more than moderate training and moderate dieting. Extreme results even though they might not LOOK that extreme, just “about perfect” most likely takes way more focus, dedication and patience than most people ever find reasonable.

To round off this long ramble, I want you to realize that you don’t get anything great in life by giving it 50% focus or as much attention as you find is reasonable. Reasonable means average. Do YOU want average? I for sure don’t!

It’s funny how people can get very frustrated when they read and view my pictures, still they keep on coming back for more. If you don’t find what I do to be any good, why waste your own precious time on keeping on following me and my concepts?

I guess you just don’t understand, it’s not your fault, but if I obviously annoy you, ask yourself why:

Is it because I don’t follow the stream?

Is it because I go against the norm, keep a body condition which is generally considered unattainable?

Is it due to the fact I don’t have off seasons or gain fat between my photo shoots?

Is it because it’s a lifestyle for me which I love?

Do you get angry because what I do proves to you it can be done so you feel pressure to do it too?

Do you find me unhealthy because I keep daily what you maybe never have had for even one day: a lean body?

Whatever the reasons, I am sorry but I like the way I am! And your opinions about me being too much this or that, well those will ALWAYS be around, If I do something good someone will think it’s wrong and vice versa.

Then, there are some special aspects that people always try to dispute with me: drug use, my level of physical AND mental health, my training regimen, my political views, etc etc etc…

I feel like a parrot because it’s not the first time I’ve said and written this:

NOTHING done at extreme level is 100% healthy. I am as healthy as they come on MY terms, on MY level. I am way more protective than most people are. For instance, how many medications are YOU on? How long since you had a physical checkup? How long since you had your blood chemistry panel checked? Blood work allover? Hm, years ago or never?

Well, how do you know you are healthier than me then? Because I DO all those preventive things. How ’bout that?

I also never said I am a role model for young women in ALL aspects. I don’t think ANY extreme ideals, extreme thoughts, extreme concepts are good role modeling, however, I do believe I am a great one for GOING FOR MY DREAMS, DOING WHAT IT TAKES, NOT GIVING UP, HAVING CONFIDENCE AND GO FOR IT SPIRIT. If that’s something you want your kids to have, well then I am not that wrong.

When it comes to body ideals and drugs etc: Listen, how many people are very lean? Not as many as those who are fat! If I choose to present my body that way, it’s my personal preference and choice. I don’t need to justify it with my reasons to do so, why and why and how come. I just want to. It’s my life!

And regarding drugs like steroids etc…. Ah come on, this is getting old…. I am training to stay LIGHT, CUT and ripped with pound for pound as much muscle as possible on those 112-115 lbs. I’m no hulk.

I wish more people could talk less, do more and accept that hard work, dedication and patience can take you far. And for those of us who want to get further, it’s OUR choice! If you don’t want to do it, fine, FINE! Who cares!!!!!! Don’t if you don’t want to!

Week 2 on my decaffeinated life and it was a typical Monday. Grey, no sunshine, neighbor had a party last night so I called the police who of course never showed up. Yeah yeah “We will send someone out there”. I lay in bed and the smell from pot traveled up through my window. I’m sorry but this girl is driving me nuts. Once again I had to walk down wearing my army jacket and nothing underneath, knock on the door and give it to her. I can look pretty psycho I guess because it quieted the crowd down. Don’t they know people need to sleep in order to get up and train? Guess not because she’s as skinny fat as they come. Cannot be more than 22 top and she does not work, does not go to school, she lives off her parents trust fund I assume!

Cardio went well performance wise but I was not in the mood. One of those days when you feel low. No drive. Not even worth it picking up the headphones to get motivated by the beats and that’s so funny because how come you choose to passively be draining yourself more than you have to, right? But that’s what I am doing lately.

Like a true drug addict the caffeine voice came up to the surface , said “Pauline, you KNOW what will psych you up! a little ROCK STAR!” and I first thought yeah just this time, just this time, I am having a tough day today. But then I reminded myself that this is not a tough day, this is a regular day. This would not be the last time, why would it be the last time?

And my brain starts to tell me “but everyone else takes energy drink or drink coffee and you used to do it too”. I fill in the blanks with “but that was then, now is different”. I don’t want to rely on instant quick fixes. I want to be hardcore. I want to be driven by my own force. True willpower, true strength comes from within.

So I start to play this little game with myself and get pretty psyched up. “Pauline, you wanna be a loser? A quitter? Do you want to be one who takes the easy way out? You want to let yourself down? How can you ever trust yourself then if you first decide something then don’t hold the promise?”

I am mentally strong. I go further and longer than most people. Do I want this personal trait to be a trait created by caffeine? No.

In my opinion I feel lot more intelligent now than a week ago. I once again choose the tougher way to do it. Why? For many reasons: I know it will reward me. I know it will toughen me up more. I know my body will be happy in ten years from now about my decisions I make today.

I feel a great responsibility for my body and my mind. I don’t want to build fake strength because I rush my body with adrenaline before every workout. That might be great and ok if you do it as a project like a competition or a photo shoot. however, that’s where I am different: I don’t PEAK for a shoot in the horizon or a show down the road. I don’t take breaks from training or dieting because I just keep on. So, I just couldn’t justify my caffeine anymore since I do this for forever.

And let me tell you I was never BIG on caffeine either: always stayed on the lower end of recommended dosage and ONLY pre workouts. However I train two times a day for 6 days a week…. That’s a lot of caffeine throughout the years I don’t want in my system.